Undefined Refinement: How to be a Woman

Here are many ways to decide how to be a woman:

• Daughter.
• Powerful.
• Lover.
• Worker.
• Pretty.
• Strong.
• Dynamic.
• Mother.
• Creator.
• Wife.
• Classy.
• Risk-taker.

Years ago in American society, what it meant to be a woman was decided by men and society.

Older society members would dictate how a woman was supposed to act, how she looked, what she did and who she became. Typically instituted by men, limitations and boundaries were set to reinforce the era’s model representation.

Women were never free to express their femininity on their own terms.

Our society might seem like it has its grasp on female freedom, but that’s only instilled in those who allow fear to hold them back. A phenomenal woman doesn’t allow social pressure and expectation to keep her from accomplishing her dreams.  How to be a woman means to be whatever you want it to be. You can be the prude, the slut, the working mom, the smoldering sex kitten,  or a little bit of everything.

Unlike before, this is our time to define feminine perfection. However we see fit.

Start crafting.

Crap Detox - Part 5 - What I Know Now

This will be the last post in The Ultimate Crap Detox series. I hope this process has helped even one person reevaluate their relationship with money and things. I hope it helps many others too.

Here are parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 for those of you who are interested in participating.

It’s been almost two years since I went through my own crap detox. I remember how difficult it was and how much I believed I would feel down forever. Now, like most hard times, I am thankful for having gone through it.

Life is so much better without consumerism (unconsciously) plaguing me.

Settled in on the other side, here’s what I’ve learned so far:

1. I Love Stuff

Things can never bring true happiness. They can’t prove love. They can’t fulfill or define, but they sure can add that cherry on top. Material possessions can enhance your life. Just because I don’t need to buy things, doesn’t mean I still don’t freak out over an adorable sun dress.

2. Quantity Is Meaningless.

These are a few of my favorite things: nice cards, great books, big TV’s, Kate Spade, pretty packaging, nifty containers, yummy smells, a good stylist, talented chefs, natural foods, BCBG, cashmere, anything pink, comfy couches, amazing patisseries.

I am no rich girl (yet) but I have a lot more money then the average person. It’s only because I stopped spending it. Sometimes, just because I love it, I’ll have dinner at an expensive restaurant or buy an overpriced, but exquisite item.

I always longed for certain experiences and luxuries, but because I don’t squander my money on the compulsive need to consume, I can actually afford some of them. Now I can have what I no longer need, but still want.

3. Resourceful meets Thoughtful.

When holidays and other times of gifting come around, I now see how arbitrary these situations can be. Gifting was always one of my favorite things, but the expense of forced thoughtfulness had taken its luster.

Outside of the consumerist bubble I see just how generic holidays can be. With frugality, resourcefulness sets in and the real effort starts.  Not using cash to fix the gift quandary allows for sincerity to breathe through.

4. Oh Gluttony.

Before my crap detox I didn’t see how other parts of my life were overindulgent too. I can now see and detox them with greater ease.

For example:

I’ve always loved sweets and I always knew I gave into my cravings more than a nutritionist would allow. It wasn’t until recently that I started noticing how unnecessary it really was. I ate too much of it and was not really enjoying it. It was soothing something else, and it wasn’t my sweet tooth.

It was enough for me to start paying closer attention.

I want to thoroughly enjoy every minute here and that includes my time with cake.

Well, that’s it for now.

I hope this journey has been good to you. Continue it and you’ll forever be grateful for it. Subscribe here if you ever need a pick-me-up.

A Call to Readers

Hello All,

This is a friendly request for feedback.

I would really love to hear what everyone thinks of the site, my content and topics.

1. What are your favorite and least favorite pieces?
2. Do you like it long or short?
3. Any topic requests?
4. What niche would you say Makeitbetter is in?
5. What value has the site brought you? If so, why?

Be critical but constructive. Lay it on. I know there’s many lurkers who never comment. I’d especially love to hear from you - the quiet majority.

I really appreciate it and if you don’t want to comment, feel free to email: makeitbetterblog @ gmail DOT c o m

And don’t forget to subscribe. It would make this whole keeping-up-on-content thing a lot easier!

Why You Know More Than You Know You Know

Our minds are designed to make us remember things we wouldn’t consciously remember otherwise.

• Facts.
• Dates.
• Information.
• Experiences.
• Etc.
  

They are stuffed inside, waiting to be excavated.

It’s incredible, really.

How the brain will do things we otherwise have no idea it is doing, but it manages to get things done for us no matter what.

Last night I watched an episode of Darren Brown. He’s a famous psychological illusionist from England and he is brilliant.

Darren taught the Joe Blow volunteer how to memorize mounds of material so he may compete in a Jeopardy-like British game show one weeks later. One week later Mr. Blow came in 2nd place.

He said it was one of the best experiences he’s ever had.

He said it was something he would have never tried nor had he believed he’d be able to do anything like it.

With the thrill of the show and with a master like Darren Brown’s support, this average man accomplished an incredibly task he wouldn’t have conceived of doing weeks before.

Shit.

Imagine what you could do.

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Instinctual Acceptance and Job Dread

I truly dislike my job.

Like many Americans, it drains me of all my energy, leaving me empty and unfulfilled. I wake up and feel like I am showering with shackles. Facing the day with an invisible burden.

I’ve read the advice. Often scouring the Internet for some ingenious insights. I’ve blamed myself, my youth, and my grip on the past. I cried self-pityingly, disturbed by myself.

Over time I came to accept the structure, the corporate crap, the rules, the industry, the lack of ingenuity. I found peace with my situation. Battling my distaste wasn’t giving me anything but stomach cramps.

Despite this, each morning I still carry gratuitous weight. The knowing inside me that this just isn’t for me. That it’s just wrong.

Sometimes acceptance is the one thing we need to find, but sometimes all we really need is to accept what is true for us. That this (whatever it may be) just isn’t what we want.

Listen to your instincts, sometimes you don’t need to accept the situation. You just need to get the fuck out of it.

Now go read someone else’s stuff.

Please subscribe first!

Life. Explained.

Imagine you’re in the woods. You know where you want to head you just need to keep walking. You’re peaceful, just traveling on the path towards your destination.

After some time you come upon a massive tree stump in your way.

At this point you have a few options:

1. Get dirty, sweaty and possibly hurt yourself trying to climb over it.
2. Wander off the path you were on and find an alternative route.
3. Turn around.
4. Get upset, feel defeated, give up and die.

‘Tis life baby.

What kind of choices do you make?
What do these choices represent in you?

Subscribe. It’s good for you.

‘Dems Fighting Words

When I would argue and fight with my ex it was usually a brutal bitch fest filled with derogatory anger. 

I was pretty cruel. But I always believed it was just my reaction to him, and if HE stopped his ways, I could stop mine too.

We both had our fair share of assholery, but I can only discuss my own.

Once I left that hate-filled relationship, I soon started dating a very calm man.  During disagreements he would remain calm and ignore my irrational, emotional automatics. Through his sensibilities my own awareness became heightened. Without a bad attitude to latch onto the negativity of my actions and words would bounce off him and smack me right in the face.

I couldn’t blame my behavior on him this time; I was becoming the same fighter I’d always been.

No matter what the other culprit does it always starts and ends with me.

When we fight with a lover (or anyone for that matter) we are usually very much focused what they do and say rather than our own actions. How they treat us, disrespect us and make us feel.

We’re so damn preoccupied with the injustices they perform; we don’t consciously witness our own. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, no matter how bad the others involved. And that includes you.

The next time you find yourself in a disagreement, try to remain even keeled and unaffected by their behavior. It will take time but with enough practice, you might start to see what they do is not really about you, but their own issues. With enough practice you might realize how you react is totally within your control. With enough practice you’ll stop feeding into other people’s negativity, further breeding your own.

Then maybe, just maybe, the change in you might create a change in them too.

Please subscribe. I’d love you for it!

Let’s Hear it for Chain Mail

So Sydney over at Retirement: A Full-Time Job tagged me. I pretend to hate it but I really love it.

On with the rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Share four things in the following themes.
4. Tag four bloggers at the end of the post with a link.
5. Let those four bloggers know they’ve been tagged by commenting on their blog.

Now the fun:

Four jobs I’ve had:

1. Waitress - the only way to get through college
2. Marketer - love the strategy, not the industry.
3. Farm stand attendant - I grew up in a small town and it was high school.
4. Babysitter - I spend five hrs every Saturday with approx. twenty children ranging from three months to nine years. The ultimate baby fever killer.

Four movies I could watch over and over:

Seriously I could be here forever trying to figure this one out. I like/watch way too many.

Four places I have lived:

There’s technically only two locations: upstate and downstate NY. But in the past six years I moved thirteen times, so I think my nomad behavior counts for something.

Four TV shows I love:

I’ve become much more inclined to watch television since my boyfriend got an HDTV. It really does improve the experience.

Recently I’ve been into the following:

1. The Wire
2. Brothers and Sisters
3. Jon and Kate Plus Eight
4. Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares (the UK version)

Four places I have been on holiday:

I haven’t had a vacation in about seven years*, but I have visited:

1. Spain
2. France
3. Miami
4. Boston

* I hope to remedy this soon.

Four of my favorite dishes:

I live in NYC where some of the best food is, but if I had to narrow it down…

1. Singas Pizza (if you’re ever in Queens)
2. Shake Shack burgers in Madison Square Park
3. City Bakery hot chocolate
4. Balthazar (yes, the entire restaurant)

Four websites I visit daily:

1. Smitten Kitchen
2. Jezebel
3. Facebook
4. Popurls

Four places I would rather be now:

I am not really into the ungrateful tone of this question.

In a perfect world:

1. Closer to a Pinkberry
   
2. Already in my pajamas and washed up for the night
3. Cuddling
4. With more subscribers!
   

Ahh, screw that. It’s already perfect.

The Four Bloggers I’m Tagging:

1. Rogue Ink
2. White On Rice Couple
3. In My Heels
4. A Good Husband

Crap Detox - Part 4 - The Real Reason

This is part 4 of The Ultimate Crap Detox.

Here are parts 1, 2, and 3 for those of you who are interested in freeing yourself from American consumerism.

Today I am going to cover the why of consumerism.  I waited until now to post about this because you really need to be committed and if you’ve made it this long on the detox, you should be able to get through this too.

I am going to be quite direct in this post also. I don’t want to sugar coat it. I really care that this works for you and I want you to get it. 

You’ve Got Issues

The need for stuff, spending and indulgence is a symptom of another underlying issue.  Uprooting the real issues is what makes this a life changing detox and keeps relapsing at bay.

If you’re in debt, have no savings (or both) and don’t live in extreme poverty, face it: you have consumerist issues. You are allowing superficial needs get in the way of your financial, psychological and emotional health.

I know it’s extremely hard to admit. I used to cry regularly about it. Bitter over not having disposable income, over not being able to buy clothes or get my nails done. I was ridiculous and at the time I actually believed my qualms were somewhat merited; as if I deserved these indulgences. It was difficult for me to face myself and say “I am shallow”. 

Deep down we all know it. We just have to dig that up from “deep down” and make it the way we live.

It’s Okay, Everybody Does it

This is not an attack on your value or humanity. It’s a blunt approach to get people seeing that anything you use money to get is not your identity. When you feel upset about having lost something (house, car, shoes, hair, technology) it’s because you equate that item with who you are and you define your value behind it. The loss of something innately trivial becomes a loss of self. It’s important to notice these connections you have with things, and explore the why behind it. A healthy relationship with money and possessions does not involve sadness.

 It’s important to note that if you feel resentful or annoyed by any of this it’s probably an indication that there’s some truth to it. 

Marketing Geniuses

Marketing inherently isn’t a bad thing. It’s what it does to those that are unconscious of it that’s bad. People spend years being trained how to research audiences, analyze and strategize. Marketers spend months, even years to find the best words and images that will get people believing they need something they really don’t. It could take years for a packaged good to be created, manufactured, designed. YEARS. To find out the proper way to get you to BUY it.

It’s psychological warfare and it’s subtler then you’d think. Go make yourself immune to it and stop falling for their manipulative bullshit.

Now What?

It’s not a big deal that this is something to overcome. Who cares this is in you? Now that you’re aware of it, start looking around, you’ll see many carry the same burden. Don’t use that as a way to feel superior, just acknowledge you’re human too.

Start connecting with yourself.

Pay attention to what you’re feeling when your wants come over you:

• Are you stressed, sad, anxious? When you pinpoint the emotion, find the source.
• Are you dealing with the real problem? Don’t cover it up with shoes, concerts or a new cell phone.
• Are your purchases trying to convey a certain lifestyle? Only fake relationships are affected by outward appearances.

There are multiple reasons why people are disillusioned that they need things/events/money to be happy. Go find yours and set yourself free from that crippling cage. 

So tell me, what is/was your real reason? What made it that way? What broke you free?

Subscribe. It only makes it better.

Why Finding Yourself is Fun

“In every block of marble I see a statue as plain as though it stood before me, shaped and perfect in attitude and action. I have only to hew away the rough walls that imprison the lovely apparition to reveal it to the other eyes as mine see it.”

- Michelangleo

Looking back, I often notice how far I’ve come. Sometimes it’s accidental changes or successes. Things that just wandered into my life and I was faced to deal with them. Sometimes I created the circumstances. Either way, while experiencing these things, I never considered they will be life-altering.

(Instead, I usually think they will ruin me.)

With maturity and reflection I understand they are what’s responsible for beautiful, little me.

If I didn’t face those situations head-on I wouldn’t have been able to become who I am.

You can let life’s challenges bring you down or you can pick up a chisel and find out what you’re made of.

Make the choice to make it better. Subscribe.